S1 Ep. 4 | CALIFORNIA GOODBYE Bittersweet Feelings
Love can send mixed signals
Trying to shake off the weirdest meeting of my life in New York with a group of men in suits who are likely mafia and who want me to build them a mobile app, I now am on a date of sorts with my childhood crush David Silverman. A tall European Jew with a British accent who is letting me stay at his place for a few days.
Since I have always wanted this moment of closeness with David we sit at the bar having pre-drinks, getting ready to head to sushi for dinner. I enjoy my drink and try my best to not think about how weird today’s meeting was. I turn on my cutie-girl face and see if I can figure out if David is flirting with me or not. He keeps saying things that are giving me the tingles inside. As we leave to walk to sushi around the corner David grabs my hand.
David: Isn’t this nice? It’s so nice to have you here. Are you surrrrreeeee you don’t want to move to New York? Maybe this is a sign?
David looks up above to the sky to motion as if something divine was happening. As we walk in the clear crisp night, holding hands, David seems to always know what to say to hit me so deeply. In a way that makes it almost, disingenuous? Unbelievable?
Me: If I have to move here I will, right now I’m not sure that’s so needed?
David: But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t? Would it be so wrong for me to want you here?
Ooomph he did it again. How does he just say things so casually that hit me in the gut? I blush and find myself without words again, so I simply smile.
We get to the sushi restaurant where David holds the door open for me. This is definitely a date. The little girl from summercamp inside of me is freaking out and instead of the powerful business woman I normally am, somewhere at the bar down the street that melted off and I am merely a piece of butter-on-a-hot-stove for David.
Sitting down at the sushi table things get a bit more quiet because I simply am, disabled. Airplane mode. Not sure what to do or say.
Do I actually want to live in New York?
What if David and I actually dated, like for real dated? Sure this is a date but could this be my life every night? I start to feel choked up a bit for reasons unknown, maybe due to all the stimulation of the last twenty-four hours and my eyes water up.
David: The wasabi is spicy right?
Me: Yeah, it has some kick
I manage to garble words out at dinner as it becomes a blur and I try to remain calm. After we finish and go back to David’s apartment a short walk away from the restaurant, we walk in together with the front desk noting we are indeed walking together. It feels almost like our debut as a couple and strangely once we get into the apartment we both hang our jackets up on the hooks by the door as if we had done it a million times before.
David pours two glasses of champagne from the leftover mimosa bottle the day before and motions to me to join him on the balcony. As I follow his every cue, once outside he brushes the hair out of my face since there is a slight breeze and we are on a rather high floor if this tall city building. David says very little, clinks his glass against mine and leans into me for a soft, slow, almost innocent kiss on the lips and I just stand there frozen, and accept the kiss
“You should move here”
He says before pulling me in for a hug. We both sip our bubbles and I say nothing. We don’t say much mainly because I don’t know what to say- I’m so shocked and David is fully in control.
After we finish our drinks we hug each other again inside the apartment as we place our glasses in the kitchen sink, “Laila Tov” I squeak out. David smiles back “Sleep well Ella.” We go to our respective rooms for the evening.
Flying on a Jet Plane
The next morning David was already out of the apartment for an investor pitch for his startup which made leaving with my bags both easier and more strange.
As I sat in the taxi to the airport I felt like I was floating. My mind was like a computer trying to process all the new data from the last day. In the car I got a text, from a guy I had been seeing back in California, Dr. Tobias Russo, a young and attractive professor of cryptography at UC Berkeley. The text read “We still meeting tomorrow?” it was then I remembered in all that had occurred this week we had a planned hook up for when I got back.
Although after my romantic moment with David I was feeling less inclined than normal. In fact I almost felt guilty? I texted Tobias back “Sure thing.”
As the guilt of having a prescheduled hookup with a hot professor loomed I also realized I needed to invoice the Wall Street guys for their app project. In the taxi I opened my laptop and created the invoice on hotspot to get it done and sent out. I closed my laptop just as the taxi pulled up to the airport drop-off. Grabbed my carryon bags and did the normal routine going through security feeling like a physical robot myself.
Was I moving to New York?
What was that all about with David? Should I be doing this?
Something about all of this felt wrong when it was also… right?
My flight was boarding before I felt my phone vibrate with an alert. Assuming it was Tobias I flipped it over expecting some sexy or cute message- instead it was a notification from my invoice system from the invoice I sent the New York guys “PAID” it read.
Fuck.
I’m really am doing this.
On the airplane I didn’t work or read; I just looked out the window from my seat thinking about life. Leaving Oakland didn’t seem like something I wanted but was it? I took the book project which ruined me financially, which pointed me to New York which pointed me to David. Was David my Beshert…soulmate? How much of life is actually under our control? Was I in control or was something else directing the narrative of my life?
Reality and destiny were getting very fuzzy for me because there were too many things which had to line up for things to happen how they were but this process was not exactly enjoyable for me, in fact I was feeling stressed. Like I was in a boat or car, well technically an airplane, and wasn’t in control at all. It was a lot to think about so I stopped thinking. I stared at the clouds as the airplane chased the sun moving West where ironically by the time the plane landed it would still be about a similar time of day as when I left New York. Life is strange.
When I got home to Oakland I already missed my friends cat, named Cat. It seemed like I thought of Oakland as home yet as I looked around the apartment it didn’t feel as much like home as say David’s place.
I unpacked my suitcase, took a shower and realized by morning Tobias should be stopping by for our scheduled “fun time” which after the way David held my hand in New York didn’t seem so exciting. I was going to keep the time set aside anyway. After some errands and fresh flowers I looked around asking myself if I wanted to leave Oakland? I was not so sure and passed out on my couch watching movies for the night.
Morning Office Hours
Like normal and on schedule, Tobias arrived at my apartment at exactly 8am. This was a bit of a routine we had, as he taught classes at UC Berkeley in the afternoons usually. Apparently hackers were more likely to show up to class the later in the day it was.
After I rang him up to my floor from the outside I met him at the door where he looked and acted more like a college student than a professor—he was wearing a backpack, quickly slipped off his shoes, put his backpack on the floor, then immediately grabbed me by the waist with his hands under my shirt…
Tobias: Ciao Bella! Good to see you
Tobias starts to maul my body and normally I have much more excitement but I can’t stop thinking about David in New York. Tobias’ college demeanor shifts from boyish to suave Italian lover. As we make our way to my bedroom Tobias notices my empty suitcase in the corner of the living room,
Tobias: What’s this? Moving?
Me: No, just got back from a trip to New York. Well maybe move. I’m not so sure.
Stopping in his tracks, Tobias keeps his hands under my shirt and distances himself a bit in shock, or pretending to be.
Tobias: No. What do you mean? Do not joke like that. You are my…
Me: Your what exactly?
Tobias catches himself, as he realizes we are not in an actual relationship and while he is attempting to be cute the way he stopped himself at labeling us turns me off. He tries to change the mood.
Tobias: Come here, you are so sexy. You are my sexy…
I take his hands from off my body and sit us in our living room for a talk. Not sure why but right now I need him as a friend if that’s even possible.
Me: Here, have a seat. Would you like a tea first?
Feeling ambushed and no longer leading the direction of the day, Tobias nods for a tea “Green tea is good” so I make us both hot teas. As I bring the cups back to the living room table I sit on the couch with my legs across his lap.
Me: Okay so this has been fun and all and you are very hot to fuck… but I need a moment. Are you capable of an adult-like conversation?
Tobias sits up a bit more stiffly and puts on a serious face with his tea mug in both of his hands
Tobias: Of course. What’s going on?
Me: My career sorta sucks right now
Tobias: What are you talking about? You just finished that amazing book! Aren’t you so proud?
Tobias points to the printed book copy in the corner of the living room and rubs my legs on his lap
Tobias: You are amazing, one of the smartest women I know. And sexy….
He tries to shift the mood, again, for the third time and I am still not having it. I need to get a few things off my chest,
Me: Yes I am proud that I wrote a book, yet as it turns out writing books is not exactly profitable. I also need to make up a year without a salary and I took on a questionable project in New York
Tobias: So you are going to move to New York?
Me: Right now it doesn’t seem like it? I’m not sure. Also starting to question what I have here in Oakland. What do I have here?
Tobias: ME! <he pops up>
Me: Right yes but even that. What is this, what is this we are doing?
I run my hand through his hair, it’s so soft it glides between my fingers. Even his skin has the perfect look and feel to it…
Me: We both know *this* is exactly what it is and its not enough to pay my bills nor change any career decisions I should be making
Tobias takes a moment pretending to make a sad puppy face, sets his tea mug onto the sofa table then makes a big smile on his face, picks my entire body up slinging me over his shoulder and starts tickling me as he carries me to my bedroom making a goofy voice, he throws me onto the bed “I’ll show you what THIS is”