It had been several weeks since Dominik, my ex-boyfriend’s father awoke from a weeks’ virus coma and was finally moving around and a bit more. Each day a couple more airplanes were visible from my home balcony and the world was starting to feel movement for the first time in almost a year— despite it still very much being a pandemic it seemed humanity was perking up.
No-Mercy Mittagessen
Dominik sat outside at a Swiss restaurant awaiting lunch with me to catch up and plot Derch revenge. The combination of his weeks long “sleep” plus lack of hobbies was making him more invested than ever to see me get even. He has no idea I nearly worship him.
Taking a bite from his salmon fillet with the utmost table manners I’ve ever seen, he is somehow able to speak clearly as if not chewing yet I know he is chewing.
Dominik: I think before you move forward you should ‘take no hostages’ you know what I mean?
He chews very politely while simultaneously speaking the most perfect and unaccented English I would never expect from a “Swiss old guy.” He goes on…
Dominik: Tomato, tomatoe. You did your time, you gave them your expertise, you gave them your documents (and they stole many more) now what?
Me: what?
Dominik: Come on now! Aren’t you a techie?!
Me: I guess. What does that have to…
Dominik: take your documents back!
Me: I can’t just ‘take’ documents back what do you mean?
Dominik looks perturbed as I clearly am using my slow American brain and not connecting the dots.
Dominik: No Silly. I mean LITERALLY take your documents back isn’t everything electronic these days?
He motions his fingers as if to be typing on the lunch table outside, making faux odd computer hacker faces you see on TV;
Me: well, yeah, I mean sure but what do you mean
Dominik: You should do a techie thing, with the keyboard, do the thing, make a thing, send it to the Derch and viola all your documents. Type type. Gone. Poof!
Me: What are you talking about Dominik?! That’s insane. That’s basically like making a generic pull request… a script of sorts to scan and like select and then delete…
Dominik: and then…?
I actually started to think about it, how hard could it be? I already have a backdoor to the machines I’d want to pull from, I know unique numbers in my software licenses or documents which would be extremely unique to me only…
Me: Well, I guess and then SELECT + ALL + DELETE. I don’t know.
Are you saying that I should write a script and somehow link back to the Royal Derch office and retract all the documents I made or that they stole? I mean,
As long as I queried with the origin license number of the software I use I guess it could work…but…
Dominik starts covering his ears, singing an old folklore in Swiss German….
Dominik: la la la la. I’m sorry but I am a licensed banker, and I’m not allowed to part take or be involved with any cyber activities especially with government or banks.
He stops a minute and leans over the table with an most obvious old man look, winking one eye slowly then says
Dominik: If someone was picking on my daughter at the playground I would tell her to KICK BACK.
He smiles again before taking another bite of Salmon, please with himself.
It’s easy he mumbles “just type, type”
Los Hellas Calls
Dominik was right, I needed to fight fire with fire so I spent weekends writing a script that I could send into the Derch Royals computers that would detect any document created by me or worked on by me and would also delete any of them if they were attachments in royal business emails.
Turned out they used an email program which synced with computers and as long as my script detected my version of software was the ‘origin’ and matching a few other keywords that could only link to me, after detection the document could be deleted permanently.
I could take back what was really mine anyhow.
The beauty? It’s not illegal to trace back or delete documents which were stolen in the first place and I am the owner. I think.
Actually, I’m not so sure, last, I checked hacking royal computers is never good, alas here I am.
After a week of testing my scripts seemed to be working perfectly. I changed the keywords and tested in on iPads I had and so far so good. Now I just needed the courage to send it as a back command or hidden update to the backend of the royal offices computers. Easy enough. If one can givith, one can takith away.
As I’m planning the special date to drop “the bomb” aka my computer script that will delete files I made which others stole, I received a call from my home town, Los Hellas.
Los Hellas had actually been going through a weird time politically.
The call from was from an official they were blackmailing me to come back or donate?
Public official: Listen Ella, this isn’t personal. I need an enemy and if I’m going to get re-elected, I’m going to have to run on a platform that ‘techies are bad’ you see?
Me: But I don’t even live there this is weird. It’s like you are punishing me for my birth certificate
PO: I know, I know, it can seem confusing. The facts are you are from here, have a decent online local following who listens to you and well, it doesn’t help our narrative that you are not here. It actually hurts us having you roaming around understanding various levels of benefits business people should have access to.
Me: are you saying because I am not there, you want me there, are mad at me for not being there, or like what is the overall message here I am so confused
PO: We are saying we think you have money Ms. Taylor, and you fit the perfect description of someone we should ‘take down’ in order to win an election, which my office is already gearing up to do
Me: Wait, weren’t you sworn in like two weeks ago?
PO: Obviously Ms. Taylor but this role is merely a stepping stone and I need to be scaling already for the next best thing. And data shows me to get there, I will need to take down a techie and there will be blood.
Me: Are you calling me a target… I am so confused right now you know that I live in Europe very very far away from this city and all right?
PO: Exactly Ms. Taylor. You are the perfect candidate to take down since you are considered a techie, far away and not an actual voter of mine. It’s the perfect storm, as they say
Before I could understand I was in a blackmail negotiation, the public official tried to gaslight me some more and take up my time. I texted my lawyer wiring several thousand dollars before I could hear in the background of the public official, a different phone of his getting a text message. Ding.
“Thank you Ms. Taylor we have received your donation to our campaign. Please not safety is always our #1 priority.
We will be in touch soon, probably a month. “
The official hung up, I’d just as well assume he got 60% of whatever I wired to my lawyer. They were all in on it. Then it really dawned on me, I was on someone’s radar I and coming back to America wasn’t going to be as easy as I thought.
Home Sweet Sand Hill
Sleeping the entire flight to Los Hellas I awoke to the landing in the new world, in my home land, the greatest democracy on the planet, America.
Since it was still a ‘virus travel period’ I was only allowed one small bag and were had to be restrained in our seats for the entire flight.
Not luxury but certainly better than if I was stuck on a cargo or military flight, I felt blessed.
At the border checkpoint, they looked at the hundreds of stamps in my passport confused as I stood in quintessential Swiss outfit dawning a slight Swiss accent on my slow English since I had not talked to many Americans in person in almost a year.
“Welcome home Ms. Taylor”
The agent handed back my passport and it was strange to hear a stranger say something like that.
Was he paid to say that?
Why does he think this is home?
I looked down to see my blue passport and all the American icons around the window to realize, he meant, welcome home to America silly. You’re American.
Once I had my (one bag) and was cleared I stepped outside to the salty smelling air of Los Hellas Ocean airport to my friend, Brad.
Brad was a white-hat hacker who had a decent paying ‘day job’ as a Director of Engineering only to give him a cover for his side many techie side-incomes.
Some people are 10x engineers, Brad was like a 3x engineer who managed to always have 10 “engineering jobs” making bank.
One of the more talented hackers I knew, Brad was obsessed with running scripts, Freedom of Information Act and oddly, turtles. Seconds after I stepped out from the automatic airport doors, he pulls up airport curbside to the centimeter.
Brad: get in loser
Me: omg Brad, wow thanks soooo sooo much I can’t wait to tell you….
Brad: Shhhhhhh. Take this
Leaning towards the backseat, Brad stretches his body to grab a generic looking black backpack with several electronics in it but mostly empty.
Theres also a couple pages of paper, a spreadsheet of sorts in the main backpack pocket.
Brad: here’s all the bitches who have been talking sh*t about you around here, a burner phone, a 2018 laptop already linked to a 5-year-old Reddit account that points to Seattle
…and a vape pen.
Me: vape pen?!
Brad: look people don’t ‘smoke’ here… it’s that or edibles
Twirling the vape in my hands, disoriented by the fact I was in Los Hellas, my body started to tell me it was bedtime even though the sun was shining and I had just slept eight hours.
Brad: close it girl
Brad motions his hands while yelling at me to close the Tesla door. I check my hands to see if I have my phone and plop my body on the passenger side. Brad leans over closing my door while I am still in a mental haze…
Brad: Hurry up. We have shit to do, vamanos!