Ep. 3 Smart People Fill Canals
Sometimes its not just what people mean but what they really, really mean
After learning the royal team was copying all my notes and creating a fake investor memo with venture-capital-sounding (and completely made up) words I knew the Derchies would be busy for some time. It bought me about two week’s time to focus on my final and last major pitch…
With two weeks to wow a national airline, and my last pitchdeck copied by the Derch; the airline required a totally new pitch format which meant, the Derch needed (me) to create the new one for them to take (again). This gave me an actual shot. While the royal team was busy trying to figure out my Red Herring of an investment memo, I worked on two pitchdecks: one completely made up version from my business centre desk the government monitored; and one at home from my personal laptop.
As the airline pitch got closer I tried to keep an eye on the Royal office down the hall.
Surely they are also pitching the airline yet their office staff looked relaxed and and not like a team preparing for a presentation—these people have too much blind faith in my ability to produce or they don’t work at all. Unlike the other pitches, I would make sure whatever the royal team stole or “copied” from my desk in Amsterdam would not be what I actually pitch. Fool me once fine, I cannot be fooled twice.
Airline Pitch Day
After working every night from home on my real pitchdeck. In the morning of the pitch day I printed the fake deck and walked the “long way” around the building making sure the royal team saw me. They seemed unphased and office surprisingly quiet and sullen, almost a sad vibe. Hrm. Maybe they were not pitching the airliner afterall?
Feeling confident I was ahead of them since I requested a MORNING slot, I left for the airline headquarters down the street in the Amsterdam business district.
I wow’d my audience of airline executives and after giving one of the best pitches of my life, the room of executives all smiled and nodded before the vice president put a word in. My American pride was beaming from my body.
Airline VP: great, this sounds perfect and the opposite of what the Prince pitched us yesterday.
We told him if he combined with you that we would approve it but we cannot approve only one of you since he has the national branding and you have the operational expertise. Also we don’t do solo GP funds so you would need the Prince or someone like the Prince for us approve and be on board. Good luck, maybe you should talk to the prince.
Me: when was this?
Airline VP: yesterday afternoon at 15:00
Before I could wrap my head around once again how the Prince is able to always pitch before me, I also LOL’d knowing they came in an pitched something I completely made up and tried to pass if of as theirs only to appear incompetent. Idiots. No wonder their office looked “sad” before I headed out.
Once the pettiness left my body, something in my stomach wasn’t feeling right:
The airline said they would work with me, the Prince allegedly is supposed to work with me, the airline said if the Prince signed off they would too yet the Prince and his team are stealing my work! If I couldn’t get this investor group to work with me without the Royal blessing, were the royals going to bless ANYTHING I worked on?
Was there even a space for me at any table to work here in Nellerland?
Was my purpose in life here only to merely have my homework copied and if so who am I to stay and continue to let it happen?
Elephant Enters The Room
Scraping through notes I tried to see if there were any smaller Derch investor groups I could work with, maybe by getting their signoff maybe I could eventually get a royal signoff?
Who would those investors or groups be? Staring at my investor dashboard I searched and searched for pitches or investors that would be worth it this late in the game and I kept coming back empty.
The New Yorker in me started to calculate it backwards: I decided to get to the root of it and who exactly had money in Nellerland and who actually invested. And who would actually invest in venture capital, and an American. They always say ‘if you build it they will come’ and yet my launch is looking like a empty parking lot and the more I thought this through the more I felt like perhaps I was being deceived?
Several iced coffees and many hours later (after cross checking American databases), I started to reach a bizarre conclusion: half of all the labeled venture capital monies in Nellerland and Europe were coming from the Bank of Nellerland on nearly impossible and predatory terms. The other half was actually, U.S origin, labeled as European upon landing into European accounts. If this were true, then it meant there really was only one main venture investor in Europe—the government—and the other LP was leftover American capital sent offshore to displace risk. The #s matched exactly, Europe would always get 5% of whatever activity was going on in the U.S, I was in a C-tier country funded mostly by American overflow and the government?!
If this was true, it meant I was 3,000 miles away from the financial center of the world, working on a asset class Nellerlands knows little about, with only 5% available capital compared to what’s around back where I’m from in the U.S. Then I found this report online. Wow, its true then. These people don’t actually invest in venture capital, they want to pretend to invest in venture. And if venture capital is all about fast-growth it definitely is not going to be ran by these dudes who leave at 4pm and take two hour lunches.
Following statistics this meant I was working in an area where people knew nothing, and my own funding chances 95% lower than back home.
As a female I might as well have asked for be put into a death trap. Women back home have about a 2% chance of managing capital the way men do; this meant being in Nellerland put me at 0.05% chance of funding surrounded by a network of people who do not know me well and were stealing my decks.
I’ve done some crazy things in my life and this was surely making top of the list.
Going Out with a Bang
After running the numbers it was clear I probably never stood a chance and certainly did not at this point even (if) I ever had a chance that 0.05% probability is now gone.
I did however want to be polite and finish strong if I could, so I organized a several hundred person venture capital night so I could give a presentation for one final pour-out for the homies. As the event got closer I made sure my office suite was perfect for being wrapped up for the weekend, I was mentally organized and feeling more like myself, I checked the downstairs stage area for the venture capital night—everything was perfect. [Credit where its due the Derch know how to do good warm snacks for events. There were tiny rolls and meatballs everything looked delicious. I tried to have a bite but had to run back upstairs to my office suite.
Running upstairs to change my shirt I was abruptly stopped by a large man speaking odd English. He looked like a cross being a construction worker and college student he asks, in a way that makes it seem like he hopes the answer is no “Are you Ms. Ella?”
I said yes.
He handed me lawsuit papers in English from New York
Guy: I’m sorry to do this, you have been served.
Me: huh? Served what a lawsuit? From where
Guy: New York. It appears some kind of lawsuit asking for money and calling you dumb. You would have to read it yourself.
Before I could thank the guy for his Derch-style bluntness, I opened the papers to see what it was. Yup. It was New York. And New York was very very mad that I was “f**king around” in Europe while having massive delays. My heart sank. Yet another thing to worry about and also, depressing to hear such things. I can’t recall ever working on a project so tirelessly in my life so it felt defeating.
The startup next door saw everything go down giving scary looks after watching the papers guy leave, I could feel their judgment from the cubicle area. That group usually worked on average 20 hours a week work while I averaged over 70 hours a week. Must be nice I thought. Barely do any work and send dirty looks to the one gal basically doing everyone’s reports one way or another. I set the papers aside and shrugged.
changed my shirt. Brushed my hair. Checked in with colleagues and grabbed the USB stick with the venture capital night presentation on it.
I smiled at the Swiss tags on my suitcase walking down to the staging area appearing as collected as I ever have been. I am American, hear me roar! I’ve got this.
Let the Games Begin
Downstairs there were already a hundred people enjoying refreshments, chatting and meeting other companies and people interested in venture capital. I said hi to the receptionist galls, hello to royal nerd Filbert and waved at the hackers who never leave their desks nearby, although they take off their headsets to lists to our events which I have always taken as a compliment.
While the lawsuit papers bummed out as I knew I needed to work damage control with New York in general. The European in me told me to worry about it Monday. I needed to finish this venture capital presentation and spend the weekend with my friends.
I turned the corner to walk into the presentation room and was greeted by a familiar face—It was Prince Johan, smiling.
He walked up and gave me a friendly hug with the three customary faux cheek kisses and then told me
“you know, theres a lot of smart people at the bottom of canals”